I cried a lot last night, while I was trying to write some poetry or something meaningful and I don't even remember getting anything on paper except for some doodles of me naked inside a spaceship. But I woke up this morning, face-down on my desk, with the following written on a piece of paper affixed to my cheek with drool. You see, in my new quest for a sidekick/lover, I've found myself developing all sorts of crushes on people around me (mostly women). I've even been on a few dates, as I've been scouring the dating scene (both on and offline). Still, I somehow became infatuated with this girl in the office who's been there for a few months but for some reason I've never paid much attention to her. The obsession was quick and painful and I got the message and am trying not to bother her now (which is pretty easy as our departments don't have to interact too much) so hopefully I can now move on to more proper dating experiences.


...and i tried seeing her through a camera, hair falling apart like ribbons. tried to let her know i was really here, not a monster inside a well-dressed shell. aren't i though? i wanted to be loved for who i was and not who i am and certainly not what i am on my way to being. i could try to love her, i know this, but could i ever touch her, pleasure her like a ripe persimmon would under a tree under a sun, away from all those dark days. 'i like you but you're not really there' i think she was trying to say, and i understood it and i knew we could never be together. she couldn't know me anyway. she can't even see me, no matter much i see her. hoping she'd look back just once, say 'i'll love you better than her' but i think what she wants to say is 'your life is a tv show and i dont get you at all and i dont think you care about anything, not anything at all.' i tried letting it go, no more camera. mental snapshots only, and maybe some drawings or a cluster of numbers that would remind me of her somehow. she is very calculating, and she can see completely into me and know that there's nothing to be salvaged. a good little boy turned into an indifferent young man turned into an often malicious near-grown man. camera becomes binoculars, and it hurts to look at her from so far away.