I hadn't been grocery shopping in a while, since I usually eat out as much as possible to feel like a wasteful New Yorker, but I really wanted to get some Jello pudding pops, since they just came back on the market after a long and needless hiatus. Anything that can help bring me closer to the childhood that is slowly eroding away is of much importance to me. Well, I normally go to the Stop and Shop, but for some reason, as I was about to pull into the parking lot, I felt compelled to pull across two lanes and drive into the parking lot for Shop Rite, on the other side of the road. Maybe they could offer me a better produce selection and more discounts. What an adventure. Everything there was all backwards, and I wandered around for like an hour and a half before I found everything I wanted. But being in that new shopping environment made me feel slightly more emotionally vulnerable for some reason. I walked the aisles in a childlike daze, finding all sorts of unhealthy goodies with which to fill my shopping cart. I also found the precious pudding pops, and I let out a small "hooray!' when I saw them, after scouring the ice cream section. This chubby old Puerto Rican lady gave me a strange look and I just held the box in front of my chest and gave her a big goofy grin, as if I were posing for a magazine advertisement or something. I then skipped back to my shopping cart, clutching the box tightly. Maybe that elation made me slightly more sensitive to my surroundings for some reason, because I suddenly found myself extremely upset a few minutes later. I was rolling down the second frozen foods aisle, full of glee, when I laid eyes on a treacherous beast. Just awful. I couldn't stop myself from staring when I saw this monster slowly floating towards me. It was this big fat white lady with a ton of food in her cart, but more than half the food was meat. For some reason it just looked like the grossest thing I'd ever seen. So much red and blood and flesh color, all shrinkwrapped, and stacked on top of each other. Her cart was filled with hamburger meat, chickens, ribs, and a bunch of shit that I couldn't even identify..pig's knuckles or something? And of course there were tons of potato chips and bottles of coca cola in there too. My eyes started tearing up. I couldn't look away. The fat lady drew closer, lumbering behind her death-cart. I stood there trembling, staring at her, a tear rolling down my cheek. She stopped right next to me to get some frozen chicken wings, bending over, revealing her enormous ass, folds among folds. After placing the 100-count bag of chicken wings in her cart, she saw me staring at her, crying gently, and she asked me, rather sweetly actually, "Honey, what's wrong?" and I couldn't speak for a moment, then managed to croak "There's...there's like four chickens in there!" pointing to her cart, and then broke out crying, grabbing my cart and racing off. I was wiping the tears from my eyes and almost lost control of the cart, nearly slamming into a couple of little kids. Luckily I was calmed by the time I reached the cereal aisle, but not after returning the few meat products I had bought and replacing them with bocaburgers and tofu pups. I quickly purchased all of my groceries and left the Shop Rite, never to return again.

On my way home I stopped at McDonald's and got a Big Mac, then went home and ate four delicious Jello pudding pops.

UGH...work's been so hard to deal with lately, especially because of the arrival of a new girl (entry level, right out of college) in the marketing department. She completely embodies everything I could have hated about girls in college. She's really bubbly, blonde, outgoing, and just flat out stupid. I'm not sure why she got hired...I guess she's got good people skills or something. And she's already gotten me in some serious trouble with upper management. I'm blaming it all on that bitch. I refuse to believe that I acted inappropriately. See, on Monday morning (she started last week) I was in the kitchen telling Dan about my plans for Independence day, and how I plan to celebrate my freedom by getting really drunk and lighting fireworks and blowing up all these dolls I've been collecting from thrift stores over the past month. And I was telling him "yo son, me and my crew's gonna get ILL this weekend! Ya heard? I's gonna blow the FUCK oughta these dolls dis weekend...shit, be all celebratin our fo'fathers and shit, muhfucka be all up in the fourth of joo-ly son!" and Dan's laughing his ass off and that's why I like him (he laughs at my jokes and stereotypical impersonations), and this new girl, let's call her "Candy" because she's so fucking blonde and stupid, that may as well be her name, she comes in to get some coffee and and she stops and looks at us and I'm wildly gesturing with my hands and yelling "yeeeahhh boyeee! blow them shits up TIGHT!" and instead of laughing (which she should have done) she kind shifts her eyes to the side of the room and says "ooookaayyyyyyy" really slowly, then backs out of the room. And then she giggled and went back to her desk. And she seemed to think that was really funny. Come on, like what I was doing was that outrageous. She's probably seen/done more outrageous stuff than that...like maybe getting railed by three fratboys at once while being videotaped. I've seen shit like that on the internet. So later that day, I walk by her desk and she's talking to another girl in her department, and I obnoxiously insert myself into the conversation and then start snooping around her desk while they're talking. I'm looking at all these photos she's got framed on her desk and see one that's obviously her and her boyfriend (douchey-looking guy) and I say "THAT'S your boyfriend? Oh." And she stops talking to the other girl and looks at me with this insulted expression on her face (her mouth all wide open, stupid-looking) and I say "He looks...nice." And then I turn my attention to another one of her and her sorority sisters, who are kind of hot, but the picture still bothered me. Her and the other girl are still talking, and then I see a picture of her with her parents and her dad's kind of funny looking and his smile is really awkward, and I say (much louder than I should have, I admit), "Holy Shit! Your dad looks like a child molester! Hey Dan! You've gotta come see this, Candy's dad looks like a child molester in this picture! HAHA!"

Dan never came over. "Candy" cried, and I got in big trouble with both my manager and the big man. I'm now on probation for the next month so I really have to watch my behavior in the office. I gave Candy my best fake-sincere apology, and she seemed to accept it. However, she IS stupid, her boyfriend DOES look like a douchebag, and her father DOES look like he's a child molester.

My boss wants me to consider seeing a psychiatrist. It'll probably help me keep my job, so I guess I have to do it. But it's all for not. No one can fix me.