I know I said that everything was better, and that everything was funny again (oh, it is), but I still feel unfulfilled in so many aspects of my life. Particularly the working aspect. I mean, I have a good job, and I'm comfortable. But I just...feel nothing while I'm at work. No motivation, no sense that I'm really going anywhere or producing anything of value. I don't work very hard, and I'm still rewarded well and overly-appreciated. I don't get it. Sometimes I try to do a bad job on purpose, and my manager is like "great work, B! go with it!" and I'm thinking to myself, "ZUH? I spent way more time chatting with my friends on instant messenger than working on this pile of shit, and they still like it?" I guess I'll never understand our industry. And our clients are miserable bastards. Indecisive automatons that drive luxury SUVs, porsches, and eat lots of red meat. The male ones anyway, I think. The female ones, I despise even more. It's so hard to make them understand anything. They're almost as stupid as the sorority girls who's houses I used to vandalize all the time in college. I just...I can't explain why I feel this way. I almost think I'm supposed to, if television and movies have taught me anything. So if this is how it's gotta be, then I'ma do this up right.

I could feel myself slipping away again in the early winter. Deep depression and a total lack of interest in any of the work I was doing took a hold of me. It started around the time we were handed out pieces of paper with our secret santa gift recipients written on them. The receptionist held out a coffee can with a bunch of pieces of paper in it, and I immediately groaned loudly when I saw who I had picked. "Gawwwwwd" I said, "I mean. No. Fuck. Okay thanks!" Then she scurried away to deliver the next horrible suprise unto an unexpecting employee. Secret santa. I didn't want to deal with this at all. I walked over to the desk of the woman who's name I had picked. "I got you for secret santa. What do you want?" This was the beginning of it all.

Lately I've been fantasizing a lot during work...almost losing myself in my fantasies. Sometimes when I interact with people I forget that these were just fantasies, and I have to correct my behavior. Or were they fantasies? My psychiatrist had me on a number of anti-depressants during the winter. It's all kind of murky, looking back on it. I may or may not have yanked off the hood ornament from a Mercedes S500 that was in the parking garage, and worn the ornament around my neck for the rest of the day. I may or may not told one of the account manager girls that if they didn't get me the documentation I needed for our afternoon status meeting I was going to "get miss piggy on them," and then stamp my feet and scream "KERRRMYYYYY" in a high-pitched shriek. I may or may not have snapped at one of the project managers who was asking me about deliverables. "What? Get your fat ass out of my cubbie-cube! Can't you see I'm trying to play tetris here?" I haven't been fired yet, and I haven't had a 'talking to' in a while either. So maybe none of those things ever happened. I'm just going to keep rolling, and reap the benefits of a world that doesn't pay attention.