Tonight I'm celebrating by buying an X-Box, the most violent game I can find, snorting a bar of vicadin, and going hog-wild.

This week got off to a terrible start. Yesterday I took the car into work instead of the train, because I had a doctor's appointment during lunch. Halfway through the morning drive to the office, I was making a right turn at an intersection, when one of those new BMW 5 series passed me on my left. I was staring at it, mouth agape, as if it were a beautiful woman walking down the street in revealing clothing. Such a sexual vehicle. As it's continuing straight through the intersection, I'm trying to see whether it's the 530i or the 545i (because I just had to know...we're talking about a serious horsepower difference here), and I fail to realize that an old Porsche that was ahead of me was slowing down to make another right turn. I hit the Porsche in the rear...pretty hard, and had to pull over. I fucked up my front bumper and part of my hood and I messed up the back of this guy's Porsche pretty bad. I was really nervous when I got out of my car to approach him (what's the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine? On a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside), as I thought he'd be some some middle aged yuppie asshole, flipping his lid. I guess he could be hurt too. I was partly right...he was pretty pissed off at me, but like me, he suffered no injuries. He turned out to be an alright guy. I apologized so many times and told him not to worry and that it was completely my fault, and suddenly his angry disposition changed and he said, "You know what? Fuck it. I want a new car anyway. This'll give me an excuse to get one. How do you feel about an Acura NSX?" I didn't know what to tell him. I smiled, and was about to say "Yeah, you should totally get one. That's so much cooler than driving an old Porsche! You should get one! Shit, I want an Acura NSX. I bet they're fast as hell. You should get one! How much do those go for? Think I could afford one? Have you seen the new BMW 5 series?" But instead, time seemed to stop for a moment. All I could feel was the woosh of Luxury sedans and SUVs flying by us. I heard engines and birds and horns and radios. I thought about buying a new fossil wristwatch after I got out of work. Then I tried to answer the man, but it's as if I simply stopped caring about the situation at that exact moment. After a long pause, all I was able to say to him was, "What's the frequency, Kenneth?" and then I started laughing. The rest of the day was a flurry of policemen, calls to insurance agents, getting my genitals examined by the doctor, and calls to my garage to get my car fixed. Surely the rest of the week can't be any worse.