Like I said earlier, most of this year was spent in a weird emotional haze, and it took a huge toll on both my social life and my professional life (ultimately resulting in me losing my job of nearly four years). This haze continued well into my unemployed period, or as I like to refer to it, my "blue period." Overall, the blue period was pretty awesome. Finding myself with zero responsibilitites, I quickly delved into a world of schedule-less decadence. Staying up all night playing video games, sleeping in all day, playing more video games, smoking a bunch of pot that I bought off this awesome fat Puerto Rican dude that I always see at the little bodega I sometimes buy groceries at. I know I should have spent that time absorbed in self-reflection and trying to get my resume and portfolio together so I could get a new job. I mean, that's what all my family and friends told me to do. But I bought a bunch of playstation games and a couple bottles of really good tequila instead. Sometimes I wonder if it's even possible to "find myself," because I'm not even so sure that there's anything to find.

The blue period turned sour fairly quickly. I lost track of time, and day and night slipped into each other without me noticing. I slept as I pleased, and barely ever left the house. I ordered pizza probably every other day, and I managed to gain almost ten pounds in a month. I became utterly disgusting. Any physical progress I had made at the gym this year disappeared pretty quickly. I also began to hate myself a lot. I'd look at myself in the mirror while drunk on tequila and tell my reflection how hideous and useless he was. Then I'd start laughing, and roll a joint or something. The haze continued, as did my depression. I didn't answer my phone (ironic because I had just purchased the best phone my wireless provider offered: the new Motorola E815 with Jabra BT250 bluetooth wireless headset), or check my email, or anything. I think paying my rent, ordering pizza online, and occasionally going to Blockbuster Video if I couldn't wait for my Netflix movies to arrive were my only interactions with other people during that month. I found myself looking at a lot of internet pornography. I noticed that I had the "Speed Channel" playing on my television during a lot of the time too. At times I'd find myself masturbating to the Speed Channel and not even realizing what I was doing. It all became pornography to me. Speed Channel, the Food Network, G4tv, etc. I was more of a mindless, emotionless monster than ever. The only things I felt were hunger, my natural gross human sex drive, and the desire to race cars and shoot people on a video game console.

How did I snap out of it, you ask? I think it was a combination of things. First of all, I came to the realization that my savings account was dwindling rapidly and wouldn't be able to support me at my current disgusting pace for more than another two weeks. Secondly, I thought of a whole bunch of stuff that I really wanted to buy, and to do that, I would need a job. Thirdly, dfjlal;ksdhtal;hdkf;ha dl;khtealkhe hfdnadgj;yepauh3nadn adgashdfasddaken

I assume you want something meaty by now. Huh? Do you?

There are some things I need to go over. These things being:

a) why I was fired
b) what happened after said firing
c) what i'm doing now
d) and finally what happened to that amazing girl I was dating briefly (the one that almost made me feel alive again)

I'm going to try to get this started now.

Towards the end of my time at "Company X," I became very uninterested with my job, and wasn't putting any effort into whatever it was I should've been doing. I spent my last month there slacking off as much as possible. People were always waiting for me to finish things...I had trouble meeting deadlines...I couldn't pay attention in meetings. All I did all day was browse myspace, buy things on ebay, and play games. Oh, and slowly walk around the office for like the first forty five minutes each morning, shooting the shit with a bunch of people I can't stand, before I even pretended to do any work at my desk. There were a few things that I got caught doing that I really think pushed things over the edge. For instance, printing out tons of gross, ridiculous pictures out on the company color laserjet printer. I'm talking at least five pages a day. Just of stupid stuff. Once I printed out like fifteen copies of a picture of the guy from the show "Airwolf" and left it on all these peoples' keyboards. I can't even remember why I did this. Looking back, I can barely remember anything about the nearly four years I spent at this company. I have almost nothing to show for it. But I think what really sealed my fate at the company was the day where we had a bunch of important clients visiting one afternoon(one of which was African American) and I was at my desk (which is pretty close to the lobby, where they were all waiting), playing with my little "Homies" toys that I had lined up on my computer monitor. I was making a lot of noise and crashing them into each other and saying stuff like "I'ma fuck you up like in a car crash, son! ::BANG! BANG!:: Ow! You shot me nigga! - Oh shit! Check Yo self! Check Yo self! - Leeroy! Break out ya box cutta! Slice off his nosey, G! - Yeeeah! What! What!! BLAUW!! BLAUW!!!! What's up NOW? - Oh mah Godddd! He cut he nose off!"

I think I had reverted to some kind of horrible child-like state for a moment, yelling these things out in a completely inappropriate location (the irony is, I was still supposed to be putting the finishing touches on the presentation for these clients, but I had spent all day chatting with people online, walking to Dunkin Donuts to get coffee (twice), and playing with my Homies toys), especially in front of important clients. Well. I snapped out of it when a project manager came over to me and whispered (really loudly and angrily) "STOP it B! What the FUCK is wrong with you? We have CLIENTS here!" And I just stared at her, straight-faced, dropped the toys in my hand loudly on my desk, and said slowly "It takes a company of hundreds to hold me back! AWWW SHIT!" And I got up and took a third trip to Dunkin Donuts that afternoon. When I got back, I obviously was in big big trouble, and was told by my boss that I was to leave immediately and not come back. I had nothing to say in my defense. My man told me that he "knew I was troubled and was struggling with a lot of personal issues this summer," but that there was no way he could keep me employed with my escalating weirdo behavior. There was no denying this, and I'm pretty sure I've been subconciously sabotaging myself at my job (and just about every other aspect of my life as well) for the better part of the year. Anyway, they gave me a decent package (completely suprising and awesome) and sent me on my way. Not too many people wrote me to say goodbye. I think most people were scared of me by the time I left. Or just found me to be completely revolting as a human being. There's always that.

Anyway, that's how I got fired. I'll be back soon.