some confessions:

I've been really busy lately with new experiences (new job in NYC, etc), so I've been a bit behind on transcribing every major and minor event in my life for you during the past few months. Next-up, I'll tell you about my horrible heart break. Absolutely brutal for me and hilarious for you. But first, there are a couple of details I left out regarding the events leading up to the firing from my job.

About two months before I completely doomed myself at work, I became completely obsessed with Robocop. This had always been one of my favorite movies as a child, but for some reason while watching it when I was all messed up on percocets and cough syrup (I'm not really that much of a drug user - except for the chronic, son, but I was really depressed that night and decided to whip up some kind of horrible cocktail to numb the pain. Or was it to numb the feeling of numbness...to make myself feel something?), the film seemed EXTRA magical (and comical) to me. For almost three weeks at work, I became obnoxiously enamored with Robocop. I constantly invited people at the office (especially girls) to come back to my apartment and watch Robocop I or II with me (Robocop III was pure, PG-13 rated garbage. Stupid fucking Japanese robot ninja). I made a Robocop wallpaper for my work computer's desktop. I bought a bunch of old Robocop action figures off of ebay and decorated my cube with them. I think people started get really frustrated with me at work, as I started to talk like Robocop a lot (and think it was funny) and even behave like him at inappropriate times (one time when new clients were touring the office). I'd interrupt people when they were mingling in the kitchen in the morning: "COME QUIETLY OR THERE WILL BE TROUBLE" and then they'd look at me blankly, as I made robo-motions, all slow and with sound effects, and I'd list to them my prime directives: "SERVE THE PUBLIC TRUST, PROTECT THE INNOCENT, UPHOLD THE LAW." Once I saw my creative director in the bathroom, about to use the urinal, and I walked slowly and loudly up behind him, and then announced "YOUR MOVE, CREEP." In my best Robocop voice. He laughed nervously, but I'm pretty sure he couldn't pee with me standing there, so after staring at the back of his head and making whirring noises for like twenty more seconds, I left the bathroom so he could piss.

I started slacking on my responsibilities more than ever, and others had to work twice as hard to make up for the work I wasn't doing. More than once, I'd get fed up with a project (after finally settling down to work on it for about fifteen minutes) in the early afternoon, and I'd just get up, walk out the front door, and go home and play videogames for the rest of the day. When people would ask me where I went and how much work did I get done on those layouts, I'd just say I had a horrible stomachache but couldn't find any of my superiors to tell them I had to go home, or that I sent an email but I don't know why they didn't get it, or that I had a family emergency. One time I almost slipped up and told one of the project managers, "Look, those Nazis hiding in my Xbox aren't going to kill themselves, now are they?" But I just apologized and said I'd stay late to make up for the work I didn't get done. But more often than not, one of my coworkers had already done that to cover my ass.

People started avoiding me, not even making small-talk in the kitchen in the morning. I'd go in there to get some coffee and have to listen to them talk about last night's episode of "Lost" or talk about some new restaurant or "Will and Grace" or FOOTBALL or SPORTS CARS or computer technology, new ipods, who's engaged, who's pregnant, who's buying a house, who left which company, who's the new VP of some fucking stupid ad agency we work with, talk talk talk talk talk about NOTHING. I'd get so sick to my stomach. The only way to remedy the situation was to pull out some more Robocop talk, loudly interrupting them: "SOMEWHERE THERE IS A CRIME HAPPENING," and leave the kitchen slowly, leaving them quiet and confused. Oh, also one day when I had a cold I spit a mouthful of my saliva into the water cooler when I was changing the bottles.