They told me that they think I need help. And getting help would lessen the chances of being fired. And I don't want to be fired because I fear change, and all the stress that comes along with searching for/getting a new job. So I had my first psychiatric session on Monday. I've never had one before. I think I learned a lot about myself and really understand how I can better myself and become the man I've always wanted to be.

The shrink was a nice guy...basically how I expected him to be. Soft-spoken, bearded, with a nice overall atmosphere in his office. Much nicer than the other offices I've been to as a child. Doctors, dentists, orthodontists, optometrists, allergy specialists, physical therapists, dermatologists, chiropractors, etc. For some reason, I immediately felt comfortable with this man. He seemed so approachable. And I was prepared to completely reveal myself to him. I didn''t care what he might think about me. It's his job to listen to what I say, no matter how unsettling it may be. So I sat on his nice little couch, and he basically just let me talk, which I love to do. He asked me to tell him about myself, about my childhood, my present life, and what I want for the future. I told him that I basically just want a nice big house by the beach, a hot wife, a bunch of foreign sportcars and luxury cars, and a really sweet home entertainment center. He told me that a lot of people my age are focused on material gain, but neglect their emotional and spiritual needs. I just nodded my head and said "yeah, but have you been to Best Buy lately? Those new plasma televisions are incredible! I can't wait to be able to afford one." Then he decided to change the subject. "Okay B, lie down and relax. I want to know what moves you. Tell me something about...the most beautiful thing you've ever seen." And I opened my mouth to speak but he quickly interrupted, "NOT something about televisions or cars or stereos either. Or women with big breasts." And I laid back for a moment and thought about what was really beautiful to me. And at first I couldn't think of anything. I could only think of bad things. Rigged elections, new world orders, media-biased wars, the oncoming complete downfall of humanity. "No," I said, "I'm a monster. All I can think about is bad stuff. And porn. A lot of porn." "Come on B," he coaxed, "I'm sure there's something you've seen or felt in your life that's really moved you. It can be anything. Not just a place or a person or a thing." "Well," I spoke softly, deep in thought, "there was this one time, this one thing I can remember, that for some reason, always seemed so special to me. It was few years ago." I paused in recollection. "Go on," he told me. "I had an internship during college, in San Francisco, during the peak of the dot-com boom. I was living outside the city, and I'd take the train in every day. On the walk from the train station I passed a lot of interesting sites. A lot of bums, mostly. But there was one day..actually I think it was two occasions, where I saw this young man crossing the street. And he was obviously retarded..um, he had down syndrome. He was probably in his twenties. But it looked like he was going to work or something. He had this brown leather briefcase slung over his shoulder..there was something about the way he carried himself that made him seem really purposeful and grown up. Just like anyone else in the city that was on their way to work. It really struck a chord in me. How someone so flawed at a fundamental genetic level could be so strong and independent and capable. It really seemed beautiful to me. I watched him for about a minute, then I ended up seeing him again on the same street a few days later, and it really made me happy to see him. It was really...wonderful." I sat there for a while longer, not saying anything. I think I really moved the shrink. He didn't say anything for a minute, then he spoke. "Wow B. That's really nice. I'm glad you can identify with something like that. You see? It shows you're not a monster at all. You're a sensitive, intelligent human being." "I'm a sensitive...intelligent...human being," I repeated to myself, quietly. "Okay B, our time is up. I want you to think about the things we've talked about, and further explore the things you've told me about yourself. Especially that last part. And I'd like you to come back again next week and elaborate on these things." I happily agreed, feeling like something had been lifted off of my shoulders. I shook his hand and went home to go play with my kitty, who I've been neglecting lately. I'll pick him up some cat treats and a new squeaky mouse since he lost his old one, I thought. Then I'll go to the Stop and Shop (not the Shoprite) and pick up some veggies so I can make a stir fry. Then I'm going to stop by the gym and finally get a membership. No more feeling like shit. No more hating everything and everyone. I want a girlfriend again. I'm going to make things better for myself.

I did all of those things on my way home. That night I dreamt about the shrink, and his beard, which for some reason seemed very fake in the dream. I woke up feeling very mistrusting. I dont need him, I thought. I'm going to turn things around myself, without his help. That's MY money, not his! Besides, I fulfilled my requirements at work by at least trying to see a psychiatrist for a session. That day I opened up a money market to start putting away money for my dream home entertainment center.