PART ONE:

i finally awoke, as i looked at myself in the mirror, crying pathetically. i stared into my own eyes, tears running into my mouth. i could taste salt and vomit. i could taste remnants of an overpriced meal at a subpar restaurant, packed with well-dressed hideous people. as i looked at myself in the mirror i realized i wasn't as ugly as i'd always believed. and i wasn't as vacuous as i had feared. i saw something in my own eyes. i'm a real person. there is something there after all. and i don't think it's ugly, like i'd been told so many times before. i never told you all about my old relationship. with the girl who i took for granted. the girl who tried her best to see something good in me, even though there was only shit inside. when she talked about politics and world affairs, i'd just nod and think about sports cars and HDTVs. i always thought love was just something in movies and in books...a romanticized idea created by french poets a few centuries ago. or something. when i looked into my own eyes and actually saw love for myself, i understood her love for me. maybe that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. i've never thought about it that much. i just thought love and relationships were something that you had to do...something that was socially acceptable and all my friends were doing. so i did it. i went through the motions but rarely did i feel ANYTHING, through no fault of her's. i just accepted the fact that i was a cold monster and feeling nothing is how we live now. all we can feel is cheap, superficial pleasure. orgasm, good food, alcohol, cigarette, drugs, sitcom laughter. not genuine, deep contentment. i don't think i'll ever feel it again (i know i felt it as a child). but at least i had a moment of clarity...i could see inside myself for once. there is something there.

and i understood why i'll be alone forever.